The Cirque of the Modern Man

The clowns have come out to play
But the lions won’t jump the hoops
I suppose they had a rough day
So the ringmaster will find a new troupe

The juggler is on fire
And the sword eater swallowed it wrong
But the audience’s applause won’t tire
When the tight-roper has yet to fall

So roll up! Roll up! Here comes a circus
Sure to delight the sinisters inside us,
A macabre show for all the family!
For happiness can be such a bore.

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Local Man “Read Apple Terms And Conditions”

This is one for the history books, folks. Today, for the first time since records began, somebody read the complete Terms and Conditions when signing up for an Apple accounts.

Ruben, shown above, is an avid motorbike fan and amateur grilled cheese chef, has previously set records for reading the printer set-up manual and following washing instructions on clothing labels.
Jeff Ruben, 33, claims that he is surprised that this is being made a big deal of.”When was signing up, a nice little notice came up asking me to read the stuff properly,” he said in an exclusive interview. “Now, my momma raised me good and proper. So when a little white piece of cr*p tells me to read it properly before proceeding, I’m damn well gonna read the whole damn thing!”
The full reading supposedly took just over a day, which Ruben claims he spent most of hunched over a dictionary.

“They use some fancy *ss lingo in that stuff. I mean, there’re some words there I ain’t never heard nobody mention, not even in them TV shows,” he stated. He complained saying that “while [he] ain’t some hillbilly Joel who lives under a rock, [he] knows when somethin’ been written to not be read”.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is one of many people who has yet to read the Terms and Conditions. Last year he publicly stated that he doesn't know "what the hell those IT kids dump in there", but was confident that they weren't abusing their power.
Apple CEO Tim Cook is one of many people who has yet to read the Terms and Conditions. Last year he publicly stated that he doesn’t know “what the hell those IT kids dump in there”, but was confident that they weren’t abusing their power.

The full document has widespread availability, yet most avoid it, simply clicking to continue. This allows companies to hide clauses that they can later use in lawsuits. Ruben, who followed all the instructions given, claims he did five handstands, drank seven coffees, placed a small ornamental dog on his infant daughter, and had to send a 200$ cheque to Apple… signed in crayon.

Some critics have said that the Apple Terms and Conditions make no mention of this, and that Ruden was quite simply intoxicated and/or on hallucinogenics. However, nobody can be f*cked to actually check the document to know for sure.

 

We weren’t sure what to put here, but we needed to bulk up our wordcount otherwise we’ll be eating gruel tonight. So here’s a duck in a top hat.

This is a work of satire. 

Peaceful Riot Over Peaceful Riot Gone Bad Has Gone Bad

In a shocking turn of events, Sunday’s peaceful protest over last week’s peaceful protest about a violent shooting has ended with police officers rounding up large numbers of protesters, spraying tear gas and using water canons.


Haylee Collins, 24, who attended the protest, reported that “the protesters were walking hand in hand, holding up banners asking for peace and respect” when tens of police cars surrounded the area. Witnesses claim that a spokesperson said the protest was illegal as a request had not been filed and they were blocking off the road, thus inhibiting cars from passing. However, after several tweets went viral that pointed out that the request had been filed and that the claimed “busy road” was covered in potholes and thus unused, a large number of YouTube videos depicting the mystery spokesperson were removed. In a press conference on Monday, the chief of police denied the existence of this John Doe, and stated that these videos had been created using video editing software.

The protest was in response to a similar protest last week, that ended violently when police officers arrived at the scene and fired rubber bullets at the unarmed protesters. Banners were seen asking for “No More Silence” and “Freedom to Speak, Not Freedom to Shoot”. Critics of the movement say that the police are just doing their job, and that citizens should not get in the way of an authoritarian police-state like system being put in place if the Police Department believe that this is the only way of keeping peace. “Heck, I gave my first born to a police cadet who claimed that it was the only way of stopping a terrorist threat. I haven’t seen him in three years now. But hey, we haven’t had any terrorist attacks in a 10km radius since, so I call that a result!” says Fred Durman.

If anybody has any information concerning the whereabouts of Joey Durman, pictured above, please contact the police immediately.
The violent response has been greeted with some disdain, as people claim that by continually attacking these freedom of speech protests, they continue the vicious cycle of violence. In response to this Chief of Police Craigson has stated that this is an absurd assumption. Violence doesn’t go in a vicious cycle, it’s more a savage oblong.

This is a work of satire.

Minorities are just a sham created by the illuminati to control our minds and eat our children

In light of recent events in which a group of black teens were attacked by a policeman at gunpoint, and not so recently gay marriage was legalised in Ireland, I have decided that it is time to speak up on a controversial issue: minorities.

Is anybody else concerned about this? Minorities seem to be all we ever talk about these days. Social justice warriors have sprung up everywhere to fight for the rights of marginalised groups.

But does it not occur to any of us that this is a new phenomenon? Look back in time. When women got the vote, it wasn’t through petitioning or protests or drastic actions that we see nowadays such as starvation. It was through asking politely. When the slaves got emancipated, it happened naturally because somebody realised that they were human too and so a slight tweak was made to the constitution and everybody went home happy. It’s not as if we’ve had to go to war over issues like this before.

So why is it that now people are interpreting their right to free speech as a reason for them to speak freely, when in the past things just got fixed without any such drastic action?

I have one simple answer for you: the illuminati. The illuminati are, for those of your who are not aware, a group of devil worshipping homogays who control the whole milky way and have notable numbers of shares in extra-terrestrial organisations. If the Beelzebub could pick a right hand man and was told that he couldn’t choose a communist, these folks would be top of the list.

 

The devils right hand man is not to be trifled with. Don’t trust the rich unless they bribe you to. image found on: genius.com
 
Now some of you may be saying: “Jeanie, that’s all just a load of gobaldigoop. Old wives tales to get us to fear the wealthy few who support us through trickle down economics.” Don’t worry, I hear you loud and clear. But hear me out. 
These social justice warriors, they sprang out of nowhere right? You know what else has been springing out of nowhere? These offers online to help you make 1500$ a week by working at home. You know the type. Now I myself have not looked into these in detail for fear of excommunication, having my heart devoured by the Devil and being enslaved for the rest of eternity in pergatory, by I heard from Sandra who heard it from Jill who’s husband Tim works at the power plant with a man who’s brother is a Lucifarian that these so called “work at home” scams are actually a recruitment technique by a mysterious unnamed organisation who trains up these extremist SJWs to spread their propaganda all over the internet.

  
But Jeanie, what’s wrong with a little spark in the community to improve rights? Well here’s what. The minority are just that: a minority. While we’re distracted by the ever expanding number of terms by which we need to refer to queers as so as to be politically correct (can’t we just use normal and not-normal like the good old days?) we lose sight of what’s going on in the world to the majority. 

That’s right: the illuminati has taken over our world and is ready to eat your children in their celebratory feast at the downfall of civilisation. Without you even noticing, everyone around you has become a mindless zombie, devoted to being politically correct at all costs and so devout in their mission that all it takes is for the Illuminati to give the command and everyone on Earth will duke it out until only the untouchable rich remain. They’ll feed off of our confusion at th ever changing nature of the world until we become so afraid of speaking our mind for fear that we may let slip a few words that, God forbid, somebody finds offensive that we’ll all seclude ourselves and lock ourselves away forever out of shame. And the social justice warriors that persist will be so devout that they’ll become actual warriors and will rule over our once proud civilisation with an iron fist.

 

Lo and behold, your future oppressive terror state police force live within your ranks. image found on: ragreynolds.net
 
So protect yourself and your family. Be politically incorrect and own it. And the next time somebody tell you you can’t call that young man with trousers so baggy they fall around his ankles a “nigga-ass homogay terrorist”, you walk away with your head held high and complain about it later on an irrelevant blog post.

Jeanie Smith is a proud mother of 2.5 kids, who lives in Suburbia, Developed Country. She knows little about the world outside of her two story home, and thinks that asking close friends for their opinion constitutes fact checking. Her friends say she is charming and gentle, but tends to get her knickers in a twist easily. She is also completely made up.

This is a work of satire.