I see it in my baby photos
The day you became my big brother
And I your littlest sister
I remember it in your pen strokes
As you showed off how to draw
You sketched our sister at a desk
Do you remember?
I remember it in your stories
You thought the world would end
Not in fire not in ice
But through radioactive plants.
You wrote a story, and I remember it.
I remember it in your hands
Pushing me on the swing
To see if I could swing right round.
Though we never succeeded did we?
And I loved it and you. I remember it.
I remember your smile
When you won that maths contest
My big brother genius
I admired your gold medal
And I was proud, I remember it.
But then too I remember
When you went silent over dinner
“Great marks aren’t enough”
You weren’t enough.
And I remember it started then.
Maybe it was the pressure to do well
Maybe it was the assumptions
That talent was equal to passion
Maybe it was that you believed them.
You did well and it was enough
You succeeded but weren’t happy
And university ended and you came
Home. I remember.
You kept following what they said
And maybe I should’ve listened more
And maybe I should’ve asked more
Maybe we all should’ve listened more
Because somewhere in the noise
We lost you
Oh brother, big brother,
They say you’re depressed.
No, you were only silenced
And now you’re out of reach.
I can’t hold you
What’ve we done?
What’ve I done.
My dear big brother superhero
What’ve you gotten yourself into?