Local Man “Read Apple Terms And Conditions”

This is one for the history books, folks. Today, for the first time since records began, somebody read the complete Terms and Conditions when signing up for an Apple accounts.

Ruben, shown above, is an avid motorbike fan and amateur grilled cheese chef, has previously set records for reading the printer set-up manual and following washing instructions on clothing labels.
Jeff Ruben, 33, claims that he is surprised that this is being made a big deal of.”When was signing up, a nice little notice came up asking me to read the stuff properly,” he said in an exclusive interview. “Now, my momma raised me good and proper. So when a little white piece of cr*p tells me to read it properly before proceeding, I’m damn well gonna read the whole damn thing!”
The full reading supposedly took just over a day, which Ruben claims he spent most of hunched over a dictionary.

“They use some fancy *ss lingo in that stuff. I mean, there’re some words there I ain’t never heard nobody mention, not even in them TV shows,” he stated. He complained saying that “while [he] ain’t some hillbilly Joel who lives under a rock, [he] knows when somethin’ been written to not be read”.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is one of many people who has yet to read the Terms and Conditions. Last year he publicly stated that he doesn't know "what the hell those IT kids dump in there", but was confident that they weren't abusing their power.
Apple CEO Tim Cook is one of many people who has yet to read the Terms and Conditions. Last year he publicly stated that he doesn’t know “what the hell those IT kids dump in there”, but was confident that they weren’t abusing their power.

The full document has widespread availability, yet most avoid it, simply clicking to continue. This allows companies to hide clauses that they can later use in lawsuits. Ruben, who followed all the instructions given, claims he did five handstands, drank seven coffees, placed a small ornamental dog on his infant daughter, and had to send a 200$ cheque to Apple… signed in crayon.

Some critics have said that the Apple Terms and Conditions make no mention of this, and that Ruden was quite simply intoxicated and/or on hallucinogenics. However, nobody can be f*cked to actually check the document to know for sure.

 

We weren’t sure what to put here, but we needed to bulk up our wordcount otherwise we’ll be eating gruel tonight. So here’s a duck in a top hat.

This is a work of satire. 

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